Parents generally want their children to be confident and maintain a moderate level of self-esteem. Research shows that children who are confident are less anxious, do better in school, are more resilient and have healthier relationships with others. But what do parents do that is most likely to backfire?
According to Amy Morin, a psychotherapist at Northeastern University, some of these practices can lead to a vicious cycle in which children lose confidence and have low self-esteem.
Here are seven of the biggest mistakes parents make, according to Morin.
1. Letting children avoid responsibility
Some parents think that letting their children do chores will put pressure on them, but in fact letting them help around the house will help them become more responsible citizens and give them a sense of accomplishment. In other words, asking your child to take out the trash or do the laundry is a great opportunity for them to believe that they are capable and competent.
2. Don’t let them make mistakes
It’s hard to watch your child fail or mess up, and many parents choose to prevent this before they fall.
Whether it’s forgetting to bring their spikes out before a soccer game or getting a few questions wrong in math, mistakes can be the best teachers in their lives, giving them the opportunity to build strong mental skills and do better next time.
3. Don’t let them face their emotions
While it is natural to cheer your child up when they are sad and to tell them to calm down when they are angry, it is important to remember that any reaction we have to our children’s emotions can greatly affect their development of emotional intelligence and self-esteem.
You can help your child identify where emotions come from and teach them self-control so that they can handle them in a socially acceptable way in the future.
4. Condone the victim mentality
“We can’t buy new shoes all the time like other kids because we’re poor.” This kind of talk leads children to believe that most things in life are beyond their control and that they are not capable of building a better future, which means that their self-confidence is lowered.
Instead of instilling a victim mentality or exaggerating their misfortunes, encourage them to take positive action (e.g. sell lemonade, save money to buy something they want) so that they will feel more confident that they can take control of their future.
5. Overprotective
Keeping children in a greenhouse can reduce your anxiety, but not allowing them to be challenged is harmful to their development.
You should position yourself as a mentor, not a protector, and let your child savor life, even if letting go is scary. In this way you are giving them the confidence that they are capable of handling whatever comes their way.
6. Expecting perfection
It is good to have high expectations, but it is not good to have too many expectations. If children think their parents expect too much, they may even give up trying and not be able to do it anyway.
Parents should set clear long-term plans before giving them short-term goals to achieve their long-term goals.
7. Punish rather than Discipline
You need to let your child know that some actions can lead to serious consequences, but discipline is different from punishment. A child who is disciplined knows that “I made a bad choice,” while a child who is punished thinks, “I’m a bad kid.”
In other words, discipline gives the child confidence that he or she can make better decisions next time; punishment only makes the child feel that there is no way to improve.
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